DEPRESSED? CONFUSED? SUICIDAL?

Hi guys,

I know it's been absolute ages since i blogged. Almost 2 years now. I will be honest, I have come back to the blog a few times to read my posts and just laugh. But today I've been brought back because of my own personal trouble. I don't think I have ever in my life been this depressed/sad. I really feel suicidal and like there's nothing left to live for. The only thing keeping me from killing myself is the fear of going to hell..Otherwise, I'm pretty much there. I am exhausted with school matters. I fear I am not doing well and i am finding it tough and super demanding. I prayed and prayed for this opportunity, now i got it and it makes me feel depressed. This is my worry with life. Maybe when I do eventually get the things I want, I will also be depressed? The health of my parents also bothers me immensely and the fact that they are growing old. God please, if there is one thing I ask, it's for you to heal them! Heal them completely and give them a new lease on life, make them happy, healthy and fulfilled and keep them on Your earth for many more years to come. Let them see all their grandchildren, great grand children etc. I worry about my health as well. Migraines, nausea every time. What about the fact that I am single, alone, caught in an endless battle with my ex-boyfriend who I know does not deserve me. He put me through hell on earth. From never making me feel wanted, to physically, emotionally and verbally abusing me, to letting his family members torment me and never stepping in, to letting me be the man in the relationship. I don't think anybody but God knows how much I am hurting on the inside. This was a man I gave two years of my life only to be crushed and disappointed. He even betrayed me in our time together. But that's the thing about love. True love. No matter how hurt and displaced you are, you forever lace hope, faith and belief in the other person. This is my situation. God, I ask you right now for my liberty! I ask you for my freedom from this bondage and this relationship right now and forever more. What about the fact that I have no real group of friends? Wherever I hang out, I feel like a +1. I feel like I'm treading on egg shells and just hanging on to people in different friendship groups, but having none myself. What about the fact that the people i once called my best friends have all deserted me? Is this my fault? Am I a bad person? Sometimes I think I am. I need an overhaul. A new life, a new change and a new beginning. Lord bring me one. My friends have good reliant friends, they have boyfriends, fiancés, husbands, good jobs, distinctions in their academics. And i stand here. A failed person in everything? You know what, devil? You are a liar! A bloody liar! Everyday, I will thank God for what I have! Freedom, air, food, shelter, both my living parents, my sister, brothers, my family, my health, my education and most of all my future. Because I know that the best is definitely yet to come. AMEN!! God please, let's have a fresh start and make changes in my life. I need this so bad. I do not want to be depressed or suicidal. I want to be happy, full of praise and I want to testify, Lord. PLEASE!!! I am thankful for all you have done so far and i say this now, I need a break. I want to testify. I want to love school. I want to progress and excel beyond all my classmates in my academics. I want You to announce my career, as I move back, declare that an excellent job is waiting for me with wonderful working conditions, perks and pay. One that shall make all my detractors and friends alike know that You are God in my life. One that I shall be genuinely happy with. Father also announce my events specialist/PR consultancy business. Jesus, let me be the key player in my field in the whole of Nigeria and Africa. I declare this IJN. AMEN. I also declare, Lord that by the end of this year 2012, I shall be happily engaged to the spouse of my covenant and my sister shall be happily married. Amen. Father I declare that next year, my family and friends shall be attending my wedding. I also declare that I shall be a holder of a Master's in Public Relations (Distinction). AMEN! Lord, I also declare spiritual growth, financial and material growth. All those things that bother me such as my horrible boy like figure shall be a thing of the past, my lack of money and savings shall be in the past. But you Lord would have provided/will continue to provide all that I need and desire. AMEN. My parents shall also be fully healed and well. I shall be the head in everything and I shall never envy because God will always provide mine i accordance to His will. It is well with me, it is well with my family and it is well with all that concerns me in Jesus' Mighty Name I pray. AMEN